changes.

in the next month:
- school starts
- we move
- get a roommate
- sell both our cars
- buy one car to share
- colin may get a new job
- i may get a job

lot's of things happening, which i know is why half of my is freaking out. i have that gnawing-anxious feeling growing inside of my stomach. although i am excited for the change, it also terrifies me. this is probably due to my magical gift of developing incredibly outrageous "what-if" scenarios. I blame my parents' for allowing me to have an imagination. in all seriousness, i truly amaze myself in how much progress i've made. but it's interesting that at the same time, i never feel as though i've made enough. even when i realize how far i've come, and how obstacles keep growing & changing, but i'm still here. 2 years ago, all i had to deal with was just some anxiety issues. now i have health issues + anxiety issues. it makes me feel like my anxiety issues are nothing. even though i am fully aware they make dealing with my health issues much harder. sometimes it's frustrating because although my family is supportive, i feel as though they know so little that goes on. that this is not punishment for disobeying god. this is not an "upset stomach from nerves." the majority of the people i know dealing with this shit are on disability, barely making it through the day at home. it frustrates me that they can't see that. how much progress i've made.

discovery.

tonight i layed on the bathroom floor on top of 2 downcomforters huddled with my dog waiting for the pain to go away. and even when i stopped feeling it in my stomach. the rest of me still hurt.

it is wearing on me. a lot today.

for awhile i just turned off all the lights and listened to basia bulat in the dark. i wanted to not feel anymore. i wanted my body to be lifeless and to remember what it felt like to not hurt all over. to not put a smile on your face and tell people, "oh yes, it's getting better!" when inside, all you can think about is that your heels feel as though they are grinding into the ground, my spine feels as though is is stabbing my lungs, and my stomach is rotating in a circle of nauseousness, bloating, and cramping. but somehow, it is easier to not overwhelm people. to say everything is okay. to say that life is going well. well life isn't right now.

last week was good. the last couple days were the closest to normal ive ever felt. i fucking hated and love my body all at the same time for giving me those. i think sometimes it is eaiser to never have any good days, so at least the bad days are your base. you know no different. but it's like a tease to have good days thrown in there. as if they are there to taunt you.

im almost to the point of saying. dope me up. give me drugs. i dont care. ive resisted medication for so long. i hated effexor because i couldnt feel. i couldnt create art. i couldnt journal. but i rarely do any of that anymore. i dont want to document feeling like this anymore. i really don't feel like feeling much of anything anymore.