discovery.

tonight i layed on the bathroom floor on top of 2 downcomforters huddled with my dog waiting for the pain to go away. and even when i stopped feeling it in my stomach. the rest of me still hurt.

it is wearing on me. a lot today.

for awhile i just turned off all the lights and listened to basia bulat in the dark. i wanted to not feel anymore. i wanted my body to be lifeless and to remember what it felt like to not hurt all over. to not put a smile on your face and tell people, "oh yes, it's getting better!" when inside, all you can think about is that your heels feel as though they are grinding into the ground, my spine feels as though is is stabbing my lungs, and my stomach is rotating in a circle of nauseousness, bloating, and cramping. but somehow, it is easier to not overwhelm people. to say everything is okay. to say that life is going well. well life isn't right now.

last week was good. the last couple days were the closest to normal ive ever felt. i fucking hated and love my body all at the same time for giving me those. i think sometimes it is eaiser to never have any good days, so at least the bad days are your base. you know no different. but it's like a tease to have good days thrown in there. as if they are there to taunt you.

im almost to the point of saying. dope me up. give me drugs. i dont care. ive resisted medication for so long. i hated effexor because i couldnt feel. i couldnt create art. i couldnt journal. but i rarely do any of that anymore. i dont want to document feeling like this anymore. i really don't feel like feeling much of anything anymore.