Change.

So much has changed in the last week, and really since the last time I wrote in this blog.

We are going to be roommate-less for the first time in awhile. I am close to graduating (hypothetically a year if all works out well) with a degree in Women's Studies.

I don't have much else to say really, except that change is hard.

break.

It's been awhile since I wrote in this blog. I guess I needed a break after that emotionally charged last blog. I am glad things have settled a bit since then.

I am taking a break from CSUS next semester and going back to city college trying to get things sorted out. I have two passions, one for health and one for art. I am choosing to develop the passion for health and pursuing my public health degree (Specifically, community health) so we'll see how that goes.

My health stuff is still out of control. I went and got the report from the radiologist today. They found two small cysts on my left ovary. They don't think they are serious and will go away in time. But, more importantly they aren't to blame for any of the problems I've been having. Which I guess is mostly a good thing (But I would like something to blame)

And as I deal with all of this, it's hard to not be bitter. To not be angry at God. I want to be a normal twenty-something that lives their life. Not someone who feels sick all the time and is in pain. I felt like I went through so much dealing with my anxiety problems, and as that started to lessen I felt such a weight being lifted up off of me. But it was so short. Now I feel as though I have double the weight on my shoulders. I feel so bound.

Well... On a lighter note, summer school starts monday. I may regret doing this, but I signed up for inorganic chemistry. We'll see how it goes!

lost.

he has the right to change his mind. he has the right to follow his heart.
but it still hurts.

i was unsure of even to write this. i don't want to be bias. i want to be neutral. hopefully, by the time he reads this, he will have made his decision, so it won't have affected him.

i feel hurt. i remember sitting that late night on the computer and finding the stuff on the website and being like, "Oh this sounds perfect!" and be all stoked. Only to find out, it's what he wanted to do too. Awesome, my fears of having to survive epidemiology alone were soothed. We spent the next couple hours on excel going through and planning out our classes together. "You're sure you want to do this?" "yes." "Promise? 'cos I am emailing me Dad" "yes."

I want him to be happy. I want him to go to the school that makes him passionate about what he's interested in. Gives him the best opportunities.

But I also don't want to be alone. I don't want to have to try to take A&P myself. I am being extremely selfish and I am fully aware of it. But going back, I'm not sure I would've followed it all the way through if I would've known he wouldn't have been there throughout the whole thing.

But in my heart, I know it's his decision. If he wants to go to Davis. I get it, if I were in his shoes I would be contemplating the two decisions just as he is.

But alas I am in my own uncomfortable heel-throbbing shoes. And right now I just feel like quitting. I don't want to go to any school.

4/3

sometimes.

i do not know what i am doing.
& it's quite scary.

i want to live out of an old vintage suitcase.

i also want a flatscreen tv to watch the second season of dexter on.

my internal conflict makes it difficult to sleep at night.

i miss finding something i was good at and being in love with it. or at least pretending.

choices.

i am worried i will make the wrong choice.

concerned about $. about time. about babies.
ah. babies. seeing those beautiful bumps all around me. tiny shoes at target with giraffes and umbrellas with blue dots. i hate you hormones.

i want a house and an office with a big L-shaped desk that i can put my mac on. i can spend the hours designing.

but for now, my glands need to stop hurting and my throat needs to stop feeling like sandpaper against my skin.

freedom.

there is something about freedom that is terrifying. i am not used to having the weight being lifted off my shoulders. what is this feeling? this feeling of waking up and not being panicked? knowing that i do not have to spend my life in a field i am not interested in? it's a release. it's freedom.

the world of design is terrifying. but it intrigues me. it's daunting, but in a way that makes me want to jump into it.

j. visited this weekend. we had fun, i laughed so hard that i cried at points. i miss that. even though we don't share secrets always, it's nice to have someone around that i can just be "me." i don't have to put on some mask or filter myself for the most part.

i am writing this entry in my bed, with gatsby laying on my back and huey snuggled up to my side. i love the way it feels to know that animals love you. i can't wait to be a mom someday.