nerves.

C. started his new job today. I felt like a mom wishing her kid off for the first day of school. I packed his lunch, wrote a note ("Don't be stressed, one thing at at time! I can't wait to hear all the exciting details!!") I admit, I was nervous when he stepped out the door. I hope it is everything he wants it to be. That he isn't disappointed. It's more than just a job, it's a department he wants to have a career in. It also means that no more part-time work. I really did enjoy all the time off & how much we got to hang out. But I know this is good for him, good for us (esp. financially) I'll look forward to moving and having something to distract me from the fact that my partner works 40 hours + is in school for another 10 live hours as well as an online class.

It's good for me though... Allowing me to create parts of my own life. Walking down the aisles of thriftstores zoning out in the hideous floral patterns of the 90s. Class tonight from 4-6pm. Then I should clean after. It will be weird to not have him home at 9pm, and to eat dinner alone. But Huey will keep me company :)

the future.

Today I posted about my health problems in a Natural Living community on Livejournal. I got over twenty comments back. Some useful... some not. But sometimes it's nice to not feel alone.

But in the end. It hurts me a lot, far more than on a physical level. Yes, I am in pain. Yes, sometimes I have to stop in the middle of the day and come home. But more than that, I feel like I am empty far too often.

I think today is summed up by this quote from The Camera My Mother Gave Me

I wanted my vagina back.

I wanted unpredictability, upset, waywardness. I wanted the world to regain the other dimension that only the vagina can perceive. Because the vagina is the organ that looks to the future. The vagina is potential. It’s not emptiness, it’s possibility, and possibility was exactly what was missing from my life. (Page 127)