maybe it's in the rain.

something about the holiday season depresses me.
maybe it's the cold temperatures (although i do adore my peacoat&scarves)
i have a feeling it's more just a bittersweet residue in my heart.
on one hand, C. has made every attempt to make the holiday season lovely
but i still have lot's of hurt from past winters, far before he came along.
and something about winter always makes me think of them.

today i took on the project of pulling everything out of the closet and reorganizing the entire thing. i started at noon and it's not 6:45. Something tells me I may have bit off more than I could chew.

time.

i took my last final. i haven't been that nervous for a test in awhile. i needed at 70% to maintain my A in the class. i don't feel like i totally bombed it.

i finished it and i thought of all the fun things i could do when i got home... but then, about an hour after getting home my stomach started being finicky and got angry. figures.

determined to not let it ruin my day, i am cuddled with the dog (huey) laying on my arm/wrist as i type this (yes, he's a gem like that) and the cat (gatsby) snuggled next to my feet. i've started a bunch of games of scrabble on facebook as well.

i am intrigued by the visits to my blog. on your profile it says how many people have been to your site. i want to know who these people are, how they stumbled upon this. but maybe it's better to keep the mystery.

the other day when D. came up to visit, he was talking to C. about his job. C. said that our relationship was rocky at points because of his chosen path in the health field. that the long hours + intense work do not exactly mix well with me & my anxiety/personality. they really don't. if i met C. tomorrow, i honestly don't know if i would pursue a relationship with him. just because our career paths are so different in so many ways. but i do love him and love being with him. As I was talking to C. about his conversation with D. he said that part of my fears were that he would meet someone else who would be more understanding. i never really thought of that. but then i spoke without thinking and said to C. and said, "i guess i am afraid i will meet someone else, who's life meshes more with mine and be bitter." it's true. but the words were more bitter than i expected.

i am content with him. even with the times that i end up alone on the floor, having a massive anxiety attack because he's been in school all day and has turned around and gone straight to the hospital. in some ways its makes me stronger, even if it's met with resistance.

the hardest part is having to put my life on hold. knowing i will graduate in a year, and it will be almost 10 before he is done with medical school. it means getting a house, adopting kids... all that stuff has to wait. i just hope, that after waiting that long, that everything works out.

ani, houses, graduation, tattoos, & longing.

i bought my ani tickets today.

i am so entirely thrilled.

her words are insanely powerful.
ie:

hello birmingham

hold me down
i am floating away
into the overcast skies
over my hometown
on election day

what is it about birmingham?
what is it about buffalo?
that the hate-filled wanna build bunkers
in your beautiful red earth
they wanna build them
in our shiny white snow

now i've drawn closed the curtain
in this little booth where the truth has no place
to stand
and i am feeling oh so powerless
in this stupid booth with this useless
little lever in my hand
and outside, my city is bracing
for the next killing thing
standing by the bridge and praying
for the next doctor
martin
luther
king

it was just one shot
through the kitchen window
it was just one or two miles from here
if you fly like a crow
a bullet came to visit a doctor
in his one safe place
a bullet insuring the right to life
whizzed past his kid and his wife
and knocked his glasses
right off of his face

and the blood poured off the pulpit
the blood poured down the picket line
yeah, the hatred was immediate
and the vengance was devine
so they went and stuffed god
down the barrel of a gun
and after him
they stuffed his only son

hello birmingham
it's buffalo
i heard you had some trouble
down there again
and i'm just calling to let to know
that somebody understands

i was once escorted
through the doors of a clinic
by a man in a bullet proof vest
and no bombs went off that day
so i am still here to say
birmingham
i'm wishing you all of my best
oh birmingham
i'm wishing you all of my best
birmingham
i'm wishing you all of my best
on this election day

i wish i could use words the way she does.

my health is still horrible.
they havent called me to schedule my CT yet.
i am not looking forward to getting my arm poked again for blood.
i felt sick after everything i ate today.

my last final is tomorrow. next semester i apply to graduate. 1 year. feels so short.

colin figured out if he goes from p/t to f/t at uc davis we can afford a house.
i am looking forward to this.

i want to get my tattoo done.
my skin feels empty.

i miss feeling not sick.

so never mind of plan making, we'll start living.

i struggle a lot with my beliefs. there was a time where i wouldve identified as a christian. then i called myself a liberal christian. then i just avoided the subject all together. but i dont like that. i think it's a shame what most christians do to the idea of who jesus is and what he represented.

aaron weiss is an amazing man who is the frontman for mewithoutYou, this is an interview i came across that i feel like says a lot of what i feel:

- What do you think is the biggest issue that society is overlooking and how can we fix it?

A: Well our society, the biggest issue we overlook is lack of compassion and greed and wealth over our culture and those of others. And the way we think to resolve that is to sponsor a child or give a little money at church. They say to give 10% percent of your money but sometimes it feels like we’re letting…it’s like giving the dog the crumbs off the table. It’s not like we ever….

We’re not sacrificing something of ours to give to them. It’s like we just give a dollar to them and that’s it.

A: Yeah, exactly. It’s like we always are conscious of the fact that over 30,000 children are dying every day from starvation and preventable diseases. And we have new gismos and technologies and cellular phones and DVDs and all that stuff, none of which are necessary for our survival and we ignore our brothers to survive. I can’t reconcile that and live with a clear conscious. And I don’t know if other people can or if they just silent their conscious or there is something going on that I just don’t understand. It’s just something that is generally ignored. My luxuries and entertainment are more important to me than other people’s lives. What do we do about that? As Jesus said “Sell all your possessions and give to the poor”. We do without those unnecessary things until all the people in the world have the necessary things.

I think it's a shame that spirituality ever had to know religion.

I read stuff like this and it makes me never want to buy anything new and give everything i have to people who need it more. I have so much and feel like I am where I am not because of something amazing I did. What is the difference between where I am today and being born to a single poor mom in the projects who lost her place to live? There's nothing. We like to act like we are high and mighty and we did so much to earn what we have today. But we haven't. We've done so little.

I think it's Christmas that makes me think of this the most. When I see everyone walking around with huge shopping bags and buying present after present for each other. Meanwhile, thousands of children go to bed without dinner. And here I am, warm, in my apartment, with running water, electricity money in the bank, and honestly it's really really hard to sleep at night thinking about that.

am i dead yet? some poop talk.

So now instead of airing on the side of constipation, I get to have 15 BM's with about 20 minute breaks. Fabulous. What the FUCK is going on with my body?

This is disrupting my entire life. I am so frustrated/depressed/discouraged.

I just feel like never eating again and ripping out my intestines.

f-r-e-a-k-o-u-t.

For this blog, I'll start with an example.
Today, my cell phone was dying so I texted C. at lunch and let him know that I was turning off my phone yada yada. Well, when I got out of class, I figured I'd kill some time (Since C. goes straight from school to work on Tues/Thurs.) at Safeway. I'm there and I decide to turn on my phone, no messages. Then Colin calls me and says, "I put huey in the bedroom." And I was all "Wait! you're supposed to be in class" Well, it turns out - he got out an hour early and came home to hang out. And I had been hanging out at Safeway the whole time.

And I freak out. I obsess over it & feel guilty. I seriously cannot get it out of my head for like 1+ hour. I can't even explain why. I go into anxious mess mode. I apologize like 10000 times and he assures me it's okay and that I couldn't have known. But it doesn't stop me, I just go down this spiral. I'm not even sure why I get so worked up.

So yeah. Three cheers for being a panic-disordered-neurotic-mess.

toilet talk.

So as of Sunday, my bowels decided it was cool to randomly going into these episodes. On Sunday I was in the bathroom for an hour with (pain level 9) cramps. Today, I have gone to the bathroom probably 8-10 times in the last hour (pain level high at 6, low at 3)

I have an appointment with a new doctor on Monday. Although I got a good recommendation from a friend. It made me nervous that on my insurance website it said he did employee injuries too. Hopefully, he does not fall into the stereotype. At this point, everyone gets one shot with me. I am very scared it's something serious that will require surgery. Which seems like a horrible way to spend christmas break. :/

I stumbled on an endo board on LJ. It was simultaneously encouraging/discouraging. So many of these women are still suffering after diagnosis. But at the same time, at least they knew what they had and were dealing with.

I am scared. I am scared that I won't be able to find out what's really wrong because of my anxiety and it's ability to prevent me from running certain tests (ie: CT's) I hope that I find someone who's willing to work with me and all my weird quirks.

I'm noticing that since this bathroom business has flared up I've reverted to some of my agoraphobic ways. This sort of concerns me, but I am ignoring it for now.

Today. I am tired.
I am
b
r
e
a
k
i
n
g
.
for the first time in a long time i told colin,
"i can't DO this."
and i really didnt feel like i could.

i just want answers
or even the right questions to ask.

i want to wear normal pants, eat without being scared, sleep without anxiety, i want to pick out an outfit and not check the mirror a hundred times, i want to make plans without making an escape route in case i get sick.

i want to make up and look in the mirror,
and not hate this thing.
whatever is inside of me, making me sick.
but i do. i detest it.
i can't look in the mirror anymore,
without feeling this intense hatred of my body.

Here I am

I miss the honesty of posting in blogs.

I started writing on blogs because there was something releasing about writing into the dark world of the internet. I didn't know anyone in person who read my blog. It was an annonymous release. Now, most of the people that read my other blog I know in real life. It changes things.

I miss that. That's why I started this.

I miss writing exactly how I feel about things without thinking about which filter I need to put it under or who will read it.

So here I am.