lost.

he has the right to change his mind. he has the right to follow his heart.
but it still hurts.

i was unsure of even to write this. i don't want to be bias. i want to be neutral. hopefully, by the time he reads this, he will have made his decision, so it won't have affected him.

i feel hurt. i remember sitting that late night on the computer and finding the stuff on the website and being like, "Oh this sounds perfect!" and be all stoked. Only to find out, it's what he wanted to do too. Awesome, my fears of having to survive epidemiology alone were soothed. We spent the next couple hours on excel going through and planning out our classes together. "You're sure you want to do this?" "yes." "Promise? 'cos I am emailing me Dad" "yes."

I want him to be happy. I want him to go to the school that makes him passionate about what he's interested in. Gives him the best opportunities.

But I also don't want to be alone. I don't want to have to try to take A&P myself. I am being extremely selfish and I am fully aware of it. But going back, I'm not sure I would've followed it all the way through if I would've known he wouldn't have been there throughout the whole thing.

But in my heart, I know it's his decision. If he wants to go to Davis. I get it, if I were in his shoes I would be contemplating the two decisions just as he is.

But alas I am in my own uncomfortable heel-throbbing shoes. And right now I just feel like quitting. I don't want to go to any school.