(panic.)

Maybe it's just the right smell. Or seeing something that triggers a memory of the past. Whatever it is, it just sets the little anxious bomb off inside me. I cannot control it. It runs my body, taking control of every movement, every thought. I am no longer myself, but captive to this disease.

I cannot breathe. Why is it so warm in here?

Stomach cramping. Just my usual stomach problems, plus bathroom visits. Not that unusual. But tonight it sends me into panic fits.

I do not want to be alone. But I need to be alone. No one can help me through this. I need to know that I can be okay alone. I detest codependence.

I feel flashbacks of being 17 and laying on the bathroom floor all night, waking up with panic attacks, and going back to sleep. Feeling helpless.

If I had known when it went away that it was only going to be for 2 years, I would've enjoyed those two years a whole lot more. Instead, I spent most of the time trying to fit into a circle that was way too conservative, and the rest of the time waiting by the phone for the 3am phone call of him singing to me.

I would've worn more clothes. Gone out more. Drank more, slept less. Loved instead of waiting around for a rockstar to put aside his selfishness. Followed my dreams.

Now I am 22. But I've never felt so far from my age. I cannot do anything any other 22 year old does. I sit at home on Saturday nights and wait for him to get home. I don't go out, because my stomach hurts all the fucking time. I don't know anyone else. It's not even like I can go back to Chico anymore, because all those friends are gone. They've had babies, gotten married, or moved away (or all of the above)

Fuck this.